I have been so excited to get the ground ready for my vegetable garden this year. I have never planted a garden like this before, and I had the perfect place picked out. The area needed a lot of TLC though. I have intended on cleaning out this area for years now, and today seemed like the perfect day to do it. I had it on my mind all day. I couldn't wait to get out of my scrubs and throw on a pair of sweats and a T-Shirt. I took my iPod and speakers out and turned on some good praise and worship music (New Life Worship) and I started unearthing new ground. I started with a garden hoe, pulling back all the leaves that have piled up over a decade. We have lived here for 4 years, but the property sat empty for 5. I doubt this little corner had been touched for well over that. As I pulled back the leaves and loose roots that just laid on top, I began to realize how rich and healthy the soil was underneath. I then began digging out plants that have been dead for years, but the roots still seemed to be alive. Now, please understand that I am no scientist, I do not know a thing about plants or even gardening for that matter, I think that is what is making this adventure so exciting for me! Most of the roots came up out of the ground with no effort, and then there were some that I had to pull and tug on. And then there was one that I dug nearly 2 feet into the ground, and tugged and pulled, and dug some more and tugged and pulled and could not get it out. I was getting so frustrated because this one root was all that was left in this tiny area that I had worked so hard to clear out. I decided to leave it be for a bit, and began working on a larger area. To my frustration, I ran into a boulder. A very large rock, that was comfortable sitting beneath the ground. So as I dug away at this boulder, I began to see that it was sitting on top of the large root that I had been working on. I leave this area again, I began clearing away dead leaves and other debris that had lingered nearby. This time, as I started digging, I was finding huge chunks of rock and brick. I would no more than get the shovel in the ground good and I would hit something that would prevent me from digging further. So I started back on that stubborn root again, the one that was more than two feet in the ground. I dug out around it more and stood back and looked at it. Here I am, a living, breathing human being, and I cannot for all the strength in me pull this out on my own. I cannot move the boulder, for the earth is acting as a cement, keeping it there. And as I looked at that root, and that boulder, along with the pile of rocks and bricks and other debris that I had placed to my right, tears began to fill my eyes. I suddenly felt as if this small piece of earth some how resembled my life. So as I started digging and picking up pieces of rock, I began throwing it, sobbing, calling out what had caused me to build up a wall around my heart. And as I began tossing these rocks out of the garden, and taking down the bricks from around my heart, I realized that this was all symbolic to the fact that I am moving on. The things that happened in my past are gone. They are no longer a part of me. I am unearthing new ground. As I picked up a piece of brick I threw it "LIES" I shouted. And another, "WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME?". And another, "YOU WEREN'T THERE WHEN I NEEDED YOU". And yet another, "FOR EVERY TIME YOU SCREAMED IN MY FACE". Finally, weak from all the emotion, I sit on a log behind me. Directly in front of me is the boulder, and the root. And I knew exactly what was represented in front of me. I began to sob, out loud, completely forgetting that anybody could possibly be around, not caring if they were. The huge boulder in front of me was divorce, it was Mom walking out and leaving me with too many responsibilities, it was my lost childhood. And that deep, deep root, was rape. It was nobody asking what happened. It was nobody knowing until many years after. As I gained my composure, I looked up at what had been completed in the garden. And as I run my hands through the rich soil, I see life. I see worms and bugs and all sorts of life. I see soil that is ready to bury seeds and grow something new. Underneath all of the dead leaves, the dead plants, the dead roots, was life. Underneath all the pain, the disappointment, the lies, there is life. I think it would be good to clean out my garden more often. To up-root things, more. The greatest revelation I seen in all of this was not that there was pain there, but how deep the roots were. How the roots of one thing entangled the roots of another. How the boulder sat on top of these deeply rooted events, and how I have acted as a cement, protecting what hurts me so. And how I serve a God who doesn't just cut away at the surface of the root but he pulls, and tugs, and pulls, until that whole things is up-rooted and out. As I continued my work, I felt the Holy Spirit whisper to me, "It is over now Mandy. You can move on." And so I am. I have a new identity in Christ. And so, whoever is reading this right now, I extend my hand to introduce myself. It's nice to meet you, my name is Maranda, and I am a child of the living God. I am no longer identified by the things I have been through. I could not move the boulders in my life on my own. I could not, no matter how hard I tried, pull out the roots of all my pain. But I serve a God who is bigger, who is strong enough. I hope if you are reading this that you are touched by my testimony.
